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given my love for snes, shooter games (so inherently, id software), my absurd sense of humor, and all the free time i find myself with,
it was inevitable that eventually i would run across this. i'm also fascinated with the things "christian" parents will subject their
offspring to in order to preserve their young innocent souls from the firey depths of everlasting hell.
it's hard to find the true story behind super 3d noah's ark, since internet-perpetuated rumors abound. however, what it boils down to
is one way or another 'wisdom tree' got a hold of the game engine for wolfenstein 3d from id software, and gave it a holy overhaul.
now wisdom tree itself has a bit of a convoluted history, but in short, they started out with a different name making crappy unlicensed
nes games. when those didn't sell they found god (at least as a ploy to put more money in the collective pocket, similarly to
televangelists), changed the name to 'wisdom tree', and brought out a whole new line of games.. which were still just
crappy unlicensed games, but now they were kid-tested and jesus-approved. sadly enough, i actually remember some of these,
since a childhood friend of mine's parents were decidedly.. weird. wisdom tree branched out into other systems, including sega genesis,
gameboy, pc, and of course, snes. enter super 3d noah's ark, the only known unlicensed snes game.
now, i'll admit, it's been a long time since i was in sunday school, but i seem to remember something about noah bringing two of
each animal onto the ark. so the next natural question any reasoning being would have is 'where the fuck did all these goats come
from?'. those must have been a ridiculously active forty days (and nights) for the livestock of the lord. however, i'm not a bible scholar to
the degree of a company with spiritual insight enough to name a game 'sunday funday',
and i'm sure there's some perfectly logical biblical explanation for noah's ark to be swarming with angry goats.
the game engine is almost identical to the original, just with new graphics and a few minor changes. the one improvement they've made on the
pc wolf3d engine is that now you have a map screen. which when you think about it, makes sense. noah built the fucking
boat, but he's old and forgets things, and i could see him needing to carry a map around (let's see.. three hundred cubits long.. fifty cubits wide..
thirty cubits tall..). the down side to wisdom tree's revamp is they removed all the cheat codes, obviously because of 1 corinthians 6:8.
and you know, i guess switching to "god mode" and mowing down gazelles with a ridiculous "super-slingshot" you get later in the
game is a tad blasphemous. however there are "floor codes" that let you skip to different levels in lieu of any kind of
save feature, which i offer a listing of.
jokes aside, this just isn't a very good game. and if it hadn't been for the fact i was so busy laughing at a shooter
game with grapes and happy music, i wouldn't have enjoyed it much. i think though, that it's strange and offbeat
enough to be memorable, and if it had a snappy catch phrase somewhere it'd be well on it's way to being the
next all your base. which is a good or bad thing, depending on your point of view.
[ get the rom ]
you'll need a super nintendo emulator to play it. if you don't have one (or even if you do), i recommend zsnes
note: despite my large collection of roms, i usually don't distribute them off a website, solely because of the possible
legal reprocussions. there is no 'twenty-four hour rule', and your right to own backup copies of software you've obtained legally
doesn't apply in the case of internet-distributed roms. roms are illegal, end of story. however, considering this game was released
illegally to begin with, i can't really say i have any qualms about it. and if wisdom tree (if they're even still around in any way, shape,
or form) wants to file suit, i'm considering a class action for pain and emotional distress on behalf of all the innocent children whose
parents bought this game for them.
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